It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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