so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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