Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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