a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this will be a night to untag.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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