don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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