Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
