Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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