if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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