when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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