I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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