my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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