if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
