remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
