Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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