Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
