My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're a disaster
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