my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
