In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
