420 ftw
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
