I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
