I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
