Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
