Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
