What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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