There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
