I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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