Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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