YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
