The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
