So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
