My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
