i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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