omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ketchup is God's man juice
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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