she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
