someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
