I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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