Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
