Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
