So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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