what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
