You're a womanizer and a bitch.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
