The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
