so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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