piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
