walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
