I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
