i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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