I'm so fucking centered right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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