they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
