I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
