I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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