Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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