we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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