dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
