i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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