She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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