I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
