In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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