In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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